When you have children, there is a comfort in knowing what to do and when to do it. I remember after I our first child every little cry came with me trying to figure out what he needed. After a few months I had learned his cues and felt so much more confident in my abilities as a mother. However with the constant growing nature of children it doesn't give us parents much time to sit back and relax. In fact being pro-active is the name of the game in parenting.
We recently dipped a toe into the teenage years with our 13 year old son Zion and because we have Irish twins, our daughter Elle isn't far behind. My husband and I both feel we have a very good relationship with our kids; something we have worked very hard on the past 13 years. In so many ways though they are changing - in looks, behaviors, desires, needs - and I lately I've been feeling as if I'm driving without any direction.
When author and doctor Jennifer Salerno reached out to me asking to review her book Teen Speak I was honestly very excited! When Zion and Elle were younger I read a book that changed the way I parented them as toddler and young children and I felt it gave us a great foundation. I had the same hope with Teen Speak. Teen Speak is a how-to guide for real talks with teens about sex, drugs, and other risky behaviors. While we haven't quite reached those topics yet in our teen journey, I will say it again --- I feel being proactive is the name of the game!! I suggest reading this book before you reach the teenage years so you know what to expect and how to handle each and every situation.
Teen Speak is broken up into three sections. The first nine chapters give you a deep inside look into your child's development during the adolescent stages. Oh my gosh, it is so insightful!! We are taking physical, mental, emotional, cognitive and sexual development. These are the things our teens (and we as parents) have zero control over. Their bodies are doing its natural thing and to understand the why behind many of their behaviors was very helpful. One thing Jennifer wrote that really stuck out to me was "at no other time (except for their first two years of life) do our sons and daughters go through so much change so quickly." Just think about that for a second!! Between the ages of 13-17 our teens are undergoing the most significant developmental phase of their life.
"At no other time (except for their first two years of life) do our
sons and daughters go through so much change, so quickly."
Within these chapters not only does Jennifer outline each phase of the development she also provides detailed info on what to expect within these phases. For example, in the photo below you will see a chart outlining what our children will most likely experience within their cognitive development. This same chart is offered for each developmental age. Knowing Jennifer has 20 years experience as a nurse practitioner in the adolescent field helped me find her guidance so much more helpful! Since I am in the early phases, these charts were almost like an "ohhhhh, that's why" moment!
Section 2 is parent focused. It's all about communication, foundation building, and provides tangible ways to talk to your teens. This was my favorite part of the book!! If you've ever attended marriage counseling you will know communication is at the center of a healthy, developed relationship. Without strong and sufficient communication tactics relationships will struggle. The same goes with the relationship with your teens! Jennifer talks about how as our kids grow our role as parents change from manager to advisor. If we desire to be the first person our teens approach for advice, we have to be willing to create a strong foundation.
As I mentioned above we haven't dealt with sex and drugs yet with our own kids, however we know for a fact their friends have. Our teens have been very honest with us telling us they know people their age having sex and doing drugs. It's a scary thing for me to think of as a mom. In fact it's so scary I want to lock them in a closet!! I know that isn't possible, so the next best course of action is to build a strong foundation with open lines of communication.
Jennifer mentions building a strong foundation starts with asking for permission to talk to our teens especially when they are in the thick of a dealing with a situation. While that may seem odd, our teens desire to be in control and will often times will revert if they feel they are simply being told what to do. Jennifer encourages talking to our teens instead of this talking at our teens. By asking for permission we are giving them the opportunity to say "yes" which in turn puts them in control.
Another tactic Jennifer mentioned that I found very useful was providing them with a menu of choices or options when dealing with a difficult situation. We recently encountered this with our son Zion when trying to find a solution to an issue he had been dealing with. My husband and I gave him a couple options and asked him what he felt he would A. respond to the best and B. actually be willing to do. When he made his selection I could tell he felt confident in the decision because it was one he had made and wasn't one he was simply being told to do.
Section 3 moves in to useful strategies to avoid the most common pitfalls. Knowledge is power and knowing what to do before it ever happens can be extremely useful.
I honestly could go on and on! There is so much goodness packed inside of Teen Speak and I feel honored Jennifer asked me to dive into it and provide a review. I hope you will make the investment into parenting your child and read Teen Speak for yourself. Grab a highlighter and be ready to make notes! There is also a workbook so you can jot down what you've learned!
Here are my biggest pieces of parenting advice when raising older children.
1. Don't stop parenting! It is easy to see our teens as tiny adults especially when they are taller than us and need very little hands on parental activity to keep them alive. They however are still children and need guidance and love and attention.
2. Start now! If you have a child between the ages of 9-11 years old I suggest reading Teen Speak. You may not be able to put into practice some of the strategies for years to come, but I promise knowing it before it happens will make a big difference. I've personally book marked several pages to come back to!
3. Lead in love - not guilt. There is enough guilt for our kids to carry on their own. We don't need to give it away. We can never go wrong if we are leading in love. Make sure you are laying that foundation at a very early age. Your children will respond 100% better if they know your actions (and disciplines) are all done out of love.
