Raising a Boy in the Middle of the #MeToo Movement

Before anyone asks or leaves a comment, I have post coming about raising girls in the #metoo movement as well. I felt these both were important and needed to receive their own post.

The #MeToo Movement is a movement against sexual harassment and sexual assault. It started in 2017 when the hashtag metoo went viral as brave women and men around the country began speaking their truth regarding inappropriate and unwanted sexual advances. Some cases were more newsworthy than others due to the fact some of the accusers or whom they were accusing had more popular reputations. Other stories were brought to light simply because someone decided to share their story on social media using the viral hashtag.

Somewhere along the way the line got blurred a bit. Was the #metoo movement based around sexual harassment or sexual assault? Did you have to engage in unwanted physical contact or could you share your own story based on unwanted words said to you or about you? Could it all be based on a feeling alone? I felt violated, I felt assaulted, I felt harassed? And this is where the road gets serious for parents of boys. This is where we as mothers and fathers must hop into the drivers seat.

I have never been sexually assaulted physically, but there have been several instance where I have felt sexually violated verbally. That feeling alone left me wondering if I could have done anything differently to change what someone said to me and about me. The truth is, it wasn't about me. It was 100% about them and their disregard for how their words would make me feel.

And in the middle of all of this, here I am a mother, raising two boys 13 and 3. My feelings go beyond just that of my own and rest more in how do I teach my boys the why behind the #MeToo Movement? How do I teach them about a future situation they may one day be faced with and those specific choices they either make or don't make can change their life? How do I teach them to protect themselves?

Make no mistake, the time is now. There are varying degrees of how we teach our boys, but we can't wait. We can't assume we've raised good boys and let them figure this out on their own when they reach an appropriate age. We can't be the parents that defend something we never once spoke to our kids about. We have to teach them. We have to.

Every boy must be taught respect for women, men, and themselves.

Every boy must be taught that their selfish desires do not give them the right to control anyone in any way.

Every boy must be taught he has the right to say no, he has the right to walk away, he has the right to tell someone.

Below I've included three ways you can start teaching to your son today about all of the above actions.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

We often hear the above phrase uttered, but have you ever taken a second to put that in a real life situation?

Have you ever had your kid roll their eyes at you? So many unspoken words right there! I would almost rather have the words be spoken than to see those eyes roll in the back of their head! Let's reverse the rolls here for a bit. Your actions, what you do every single day, how you emotionally respond to situations, those little things speak so much louder than any words. How you treat your spouse, how you treat your children?

Statistics show that if you grow up in a home with domestic violence, you are 74% more likely to commit a violent crime against someone. This is because children are trained by their parents both in action and in word, whether we like it or not.

So maybe you and I are one of the blessed families who don't deal with domestic violence. Maybe we read that and say "Well, that's not my family!" Well, what is your family? What are your children seeing on a daily basis that will one day influence their actions? One thing we have always taught our children is if daddy and mama don't do it or say it, you are not allowed to do it or say it. Number one this keeps my husband and I in check. Our responses are not only based on our emotional state, but weighed heavily on what am I teaching my child in this moment. How you want your kids to behave and respond now and in the future heavily depends on your actions as their parent.

START EARLY

Children will learn what we teach them, if we take the time to teach them. When they are young the topic of sex may be too mature, however that doesn't mean we can't teach them how to speak kind to others, respect personal space and how to listen when someone says "stop."

Teachable moments start very early and even in moments you would least expect it. I can remember when Zion was younger he and Elle liked to wrestle. There wasn't anything mean or ill spirited about these interactions, they simply saw fun in battling each other trying to pin one another down. Occasionally though Elle would say "Stop!" or "I don't want to do this anymore." Most times I wasn't watching them like a hawk to know her reasoning, but if I heard her say it, I made sure Zion listened to her. If he didn't I would take him aside and tell him, "If someone asks you to stop, you stop. It doesn't matter why they asked, it just matters that you stop." FYI, this situation was reversed numerous times.

Don't stop teaching. Just because we have kind children at 5 and 6 doesn't mean we can pat ourselves on the back and walk away. They are constantly developing. Their minds change and their influencer base widens which means our parental voice must be a constant presence and be louder than everyone else.

TALK ABOUT SEX AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN

Zion was 8 when we first talked about sex with him and as he has gotten older we've had more talks on much more mature sexual topics. Each one was much more uncomfortable than the one before it. I have learned over the years the most important conversations are often times the most uncomfortable.

As parents we initially explain sex in soft undertones, rose colored glasses, and as innocent as possible. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they yada yada yada yada and thats how babies are made. The reality is sex isn't bad -- or at least wasn't intended to be --- it just has been perverted in many different ways. When our kids are young they are taught "good touch, bad touch" for this very reason. So if we are teaching our young kids about inappropriate touches, shouldn't we be teaching our older children how to respond when placed in certain sexual situations? Don't be fooled into thinking the very first sex talk you ever have with your son is the only sex talk you ever need to have with him.

AGE APPROPRIATE EXAMPLES

In 2013 a sexual assault happened at Vanderbilt University that subsequently made headlines when it went to court in 2015. Since we live in Nashville it was everywhere on the news. A group of men attending the college were accused of raping an unconscious woman. One of the men just so happened to be the quarterback. The case was ongoing over 4 years and went to trial multiple times.

Zion has been playing football since he was 7 years old. He found much appreciation for football players across the board whether it be high school, college, or professional athletes. He has many football players who he considers role models. Around the later court cases in 2016 and 2017 Zion was old enough to understand the words "sexual" and "assault." We as parents felt it was something we could and should talk with Zion about and that this particular case would resonate with him greatly because of the position of the quarterback.

I believe we allowed him to watch a portion of either a news story or a Dateline, I can't remember which one. I do remember it showing the former quarterback sitting in court and then clipped back to him playing football. It went back and forth between these scenes several times revealing the truth of how his future was torn apart by a single decision he made one evening. We used that story and Zion's love of football to show him how making decisions can greatly impact your future, both good and bad.

In the Vanderbilt case we were able to point back to inappropriate actions these men chose to take. A couple of the men involved claimed they didn't sexually assault the woman however did watch as the other's did. Of course they were still charged in the assault. In this instance we were able to teach Zion about walking way when you know something isn't right, saying NO when it's hard, and protecting women if they are incapacitated.

It isn't easy y'all. I can say that from experience. I've questioned many times if topics are too mature for our his ears. Am I teaching him something by trying to protect him from something? Is it all futile when dealing with teens and hormones? I stand firm in the belief that we as parents can never go wrong in leading in love.

Our children and their futures are worth the hard conversations.