Saving Face + Asking for Grace After a Mommy Meltdown

I recently had a conversation with another mom where she confessed to me "I yelled at my kids today."

I looked at her and said...

"We all have."

I know the feeling of complete mommy guilt on many topics, mommy meltdowns included. I've failed in more ways than I can count over the last 13+ years of motherhood.

You'd think I would have learned the ropes with my first child, Zion. Nope.

Then certainly with my second child, Elle. No ma'am.

How about with my third child, Hollis. Sorry, it's still a no.

Simply put, motherhood is hard. Kids can be difficult and doing the same thing, answering the same questions, giving the same instructions over and over again all day long is trying on even the most patient person. I have told my husband many before that I can't hear my name said one more time, I can't have someone need something else from me. I especially remember one time we were visiting my parents at their home outside of Atlanta. One morning Hollis and I got up while the rest of the house was still asleep. Hollis and I went about our morning routine while we tried to keep the volume to a minimum. About 30 minutes later my mom came downstairs with a grin on her face. She said, "Daddy and I have been laying in bed counting how many times Hollis says 'Mommy.'." Over the course of 30 minutes they counted 52 times he said my name! That alone is enough to drive anyone insane!!

As moms we don't give ourselves enough credit. We are so focused on providing a a positive environment for out kids where they can learn how to express their own emotions, we often forget we aren't super human! We have emotions too that often times can't be hidden.

I've lost my cool at the beginning of the day when rushing through the morning trying to make sure everyone was on time. I've yelled at the end of the day after I've broken up the 100th argument and I just can't say the same thing again. I've even lost it on vacation while trying to create lasting memories when my kids felt the need to tell me all the reasons it wasn't fun enough for them.

Mommy meltdowns are going to happen. I do believe we can make a conscious effort to limit them and respond in different ways, but I can promise you there will be a time when you completely lose it in front of your kids.

What's a mom to do when she hasn't practiced what she is preaching, when she has lost her patience after constantly reminding her kids to be patient, when she responds in the exact way she is telling her kids not to respond to one another?

1. EXCUSE YOURSELF

Make sure your kids are safe and excuse yourself to your room. If you have babies or toddlers, put them in their bed and grab the monitor. If you have older children, send them to their rooms. You need a moment to take in what has just happened. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to pray, pray. If you need to scream, grab a pillow and scream into it. This is your time to be completely honest with yourself about the emotions you are feeling and the action you just took.The amount of time you spend alone will depend on the age of your children, however in saying that take as much time as you need before you return to your kids, ready for step 2.

2. APOLOGIZE AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS

This is a big one friends, one that requires us as moms to humble ourselves, admit our faults, and ask our kids to give us something we may not deserve. Grace. But is there a better way to point our kids to their Heavenly Father? Regardless of their age, look them in the eye, say their name and the following sentences, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way. Will you please forgive me?" Period. Many times as moms we will want to continue into the why behind our actions, but should we ever try to justify the actions of yelling and screaming at someone? I personally feel that if our attempt to parent ends in a mommy meltdown we have refused our right to assign a consequence to our children. Yikes. I know not everyone will agree with that statement, but I feel that is our parental consequence. I promise there will be a much better time to address your children's behavior and honestly that moment may present itself fairly quickly after this apology. In that moment, you have been given a second chance to correct and give consequences.

3. FORGIVE YOURSELF

Mommy guilt is weird when it comes to yelling at our kids. In the moment we feel justified in our actions. Even when we apologize to our kids we hold a bit of satisfaction in the fact they now know how crazy mom can get when she is fed up. But in the wee hours of the night when we are trying to fall asleep and prepare for another day, mommy guilt will creep in. Our outburst will be on replay in our heads. It will have us wanting to go into our kids rooms and risk waking them up just so we can see their sweet faces. I can't tell you not to feel bad, but I can tell you to let go of the guilt. Don't hold onto it or lose sleep over it. Accept it as a lesson for you and your kids and do your best to move on. Each day holds new mercies for us all.

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. I think many times we get so overwhelmed in the first years of life we lose sight of the fact we have to actively parent our children at least for the next 18 years, if not the next 21. Not all lessons can be learned when they are two or three years old. Many times lessons will have to be repeated multiple times before our children understand.

And then they become teens and forget everything you ever taught them (or at least it feels that way).

Be kind to yourself mama. You are doing a great job.