How We Disussed Pornography with our Kids

Our son was 10 when he came home from school asking sexually explicit questions. We had the "sex talk" a couple of years earlier and never used any of the inappropriate terms he was asking about, much less was he ever around anyone who spoke using those terms. It was a major red flag for my husband and I. I immediately went to our home computer to search the history fearing the absolute worst. At that time (and even to this day) our kids are only allowed to access the internet downstairs on our family computer. Even with this rule thankfully we were cautious enough to install parenting blockers that wouldn't allow access any sexual content that could potentially be found online. Unfortunately though, our son had done a few google searches (thankfully that were blocked) which alone was enough to send me to tears.

As you can imagine, it was difficult for me to keep calm during this moment. There was a flood of emotions. At 10 years old I never (ever) thought we would need to discuss pornography with our children. I was angry. Angry at the world of people who don't consider the innocence of children, angry at his friends at school and their parents for the obvious lack of supervision, angry at our son for not plugging his ears and walking away. I was sadden to know there was a group of kids at his school who had viewed pornography enough to discuss it explicitly and sad that my son now had the possibility to imagination those images. My heart was broken.

I know no one wants to discuss pornography with their children. If you are reading this you either have had a scare like us, or you were probably wondering why in the world I would ever choose to discuss this topic with my children.

Sex is a very tender subject to discuss with kids. I've done it twice now and each time I wondered if I was sharing too much or not sharing enough. There are levels. The level of babies, the level of love, the level of perversion, the level of abuse. After the talk neither our son or daughter wanted to ask questions so my husband and I were left wondering if we had said the right stuff. It was like once they heard the information they sunk inside themselves. I knew the conversation had to be had, but in a way I almost felt guilty. Did I ruin their innocence? Was it too early? Do I have a follow up conversation?

As much as we want to limit what our kids know, the truth remains they will hear it and learn it from someone else if we fail to talk to them. It doesn't matter what it is, what subject, or how old they are. I promise you they will learn things and probably learn them earlier than you ever expected. We want to think all of us parents are on the same page, but the truth remains some kids are exposed to things far beyond what is appropriate for their age. I learned the choice wasn't mine to simply discuss sex the way I wanted to discuss it because even though my version is pretty and healthy, it isn't the only version. My kids and their safety fully relied on my husband and I being raw. They need to be fully aware that sex is a beautiful thing designed to be enjoyed between consenting adults, but they also have to know many manipulate it into something that doesn't exist in real life and disturbed people use it for abuse.

Sitting our son down to discuss pornography was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Both my husband and I sandwiched him on his bed and told him about the searches we had found on our computer. He immediately began to cry. We asked him to start at the beginning. We didn't want to make assumptions for what was his reality. As sad and angry as we were, we knew the way we handled this would also be a great teacher for him. He naturally didn't want to talk about anything. He was embarrassed and knew we would be disappointed, but we told him we weren't leaving his room until it was all out in the open. We did our best to wait patiently, surrounded him in love, and explained the reason why all had to be discussed. He didn't look up one single time as he began to share extremely explicit conversations he had with his friends, what they had described to him, what they told him to google, and what those images would do to his body. I did my best not to cry knowing his mind would forever be scared by someone else's choice to be lazy in parenting. When he was finished we hugged him and kissed him and held him while he balled his eyes out.

Once we knew he had fully confessed, my husband began to discuss the unreality of sex through pornography. He explained those images and videos don't exist in real relationships. That type of sex is an unnatural and perverts the reality of sex. It takes away its beauty and why it was designed. My husband told him as he continues to get older his desire for sex will increase and that is very natural. He told him sometimes thoughts and images will cause his body to react in a certain way, which is also very natural and sometimes can't be controlled. None of this is wrong. It was the way men and women were designed. My husband told him because sex is very desirable and leads to pleasure, the world has found a way to capitalize on it and visual forms of men and women are sold to people who are unable to control their desires for sex outside of healthy relationships. He told him how pornography can become and addiction and will completely take over the lives of those who consume it often times no longer being enough for them and they move on to worse things.

When our kids were younger we sang a song called "Be careful little eyes what you see." If you've never heard this song it continues as "for the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see." The song continues with "be careful little hands what you do", "be careful little ears what you hear", "be careful little mind what you think", "be careful little heart who you trust." When my husband and I became parents it was important for us to teach our children that their actions, whether done publicly or privately are always seen by their Heavenly Father. But in addition to that, those same actions have have the ability to creep into our hearts and minds and affect our lives long term. We've told our kids for a very long time now that once they see an image, they can't unsee it, so we must guard our eyes.

As the conversation ended we prayed with him and we encouraged him to ask for forgiveness first from the Lord and then also from us. Through tears he did and by the end I felt a peace. It wasn't easy, but I felt we handled it in the best way possible, and I was happy we were able to counsel him through this. If you are curious, there was punishment in that he no longer had any access to any form of device. I also scheduled a meeting with his school counselor, teacher, and the principal to discuss this with them. This is also when my husband and I began to really discuss homeschool and ultimately made the decision to keep him home. The problem was big enough to where we felt the best choice for him was to remove him from a situation he was struggling to control.

Almost three years later we still have frequent conversations with both of our older kids about guarding their eyes, their hearts, and mind. I personally don't believe the "sex talk" is a one time conversation, just like you don't review the ABC's with them one time and expect them to fully understand. Sex is a big part of life and as parents it is our job to help our kids navigate every aspect of their lives in a healthy way.

If you are wondering if it is time to have the pornography discussion with your older kids, I suggest being open and honest with them providing the information that is appropriate for their age. I think often times parents feel they shouldn't bring up topics of conversation that could potentially lead their children being more curious. I can understand that, but they will learn it from somewhere. My suggestion is them learning it the way you want them to learn about it and not having to back track and do damage control.

Good luck guys! I'll be praying the conversation goes well!