I had this completely random encounter happen that changed my course of thinking in motherhood.
I was 26 at the time. I had a three year old boy Zion and a two year old girl Elle and my hands were full.... like Irish twins full...because well, they are only 11 months apart. We were shopping in Target (where all real dreams are made) and I was pushing Elle in the massive large red double seater buggy/Suburban while holding Zion. And just a quick side note: that one sentence literally sums up their toddler personalities. Elle was always super independent and content to be alone and Zion was so needy and attached to my hip!
I remember I was in the baby sock section, probably searching for something that would actually stay on their feet, when a sweet older lady passed me and started her seasoned Southern grandma talk to the kids. Both smiled happy smiles, Elle proudly showing a couple of pearly whites while Zion's smile was hidden behind a large blue pacifier. I quickly yanked it out of his mouth as if to say "oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed" which was followed by some screaming and crying which was followed by me popping it back into his mouth as fast as I could. The fact was, I was kinda embarrassed about my three year old's attachment to his pacifier.
I had seen the stares, heard the comments, read the books, been asked when I would begin taking the pacifier away, but I had yet to find the gumption inside me to deal with the whining and crying and separation anxiety. So the pacifier stayed.
As if this sweet lady saw directly into my soul, she passed by and leaned over and whispered into my ear,
"No man ever got married with a pacifier in his mouth."
I remember smiling and nodding and probably choked back tears as well because I cried a lot back then. I didn't know her, but it was like Oprah herself has spoken those words in my ear! In an instant I gave up the need to hurry along a stage of life that would inevitably come to an end.
It wasn't long after that Zion started dropping his pacifier during play time and I would scoop it up quickly and put it away. We began saving the pacifier for bed time and then eventually we got rid of it all together. I don't remember the time frame or even if he cried for it. What I do know is he is 12 now and I'm proud to say no longer needs it. :)
At the time I took this wise woman's words as a comfort. The pacifier wasn't something (else) I needed to be worrying with. There was a natural process with life and eventually the baby/ toddler phase would be over and everything that went with it would be gone too. Because that is life and it just happens. If we try to force it or dictate it we risk losing the joy that comes from some of the most precious moments.
I've kept her words in the back of my mind throughout raising of Zion and Elle reminding myself that if I PUSH I could possibly make the process more difficult than it has to be. And no one has to make motherhood any more difficult than it already is.
We have now added another child into our family. Hollis, who is three came 10 years after Zion and 9 years after Elle. In many ways I have completely forgotten the toddler phase altogether. It's amazing what time can do! I see myself as a much more capable mother than I was so many years ago, but somehow during certain phases of life those feelings started to creep back in.
It's there when we don't keep to a schedule.
It's there when we don't read any books one day.
It's there when I let him sleep in the same shirt he played in all day long.
It's there when I don't use hypo allergenic bug spray or any bug spray at all!
There and here, Here and there, inferior feelings are everywhere!
Hollis will be turning three in just under a month. You know three, the magical age where all toddlers learn to use the bathroom. And so logically I began stressing out about it a couple months ago. Bought a little toilet and everything. But guess what?? Hollis doesn't want to pee in the potty. We've tried on a couple of occasions and each time it has ended with me on my hands and knees cleaning urine off my floor (and walls.) And I say "No, sir! We don't pee pee on the floor! We pee pee in the potty!" I get frustrated and angry... all for what?? Because he just isn't ready yet? And with the biggest and brightest blue eyes you have ever seen, he looks back and me and says, "I want a diaper Mommy."
Writing it and reading it back, it makes me tear up.
It's okay to not be on the same schedule as your mother was or as your sister is. You don't have to follow the birthing plan your best friend did. It's okay to breastfeed for how ever long you want and it is perfectly fine to bottle feed as well. Go ahead and reheat the mac and cheese again for dinner tonight or it's okay to swing through the drive-thru cause you just can't stand in the kitchen for another second.
My point is, let it go. Do on a full on Elsa, and LET. IT. GO.
Don't we all need a sweet old lady whispering reminders in our ear???
So here I sit not potty training my toddler. I'm not potty training him because he isn't ready yet. He will be one day, but today he isn't and that is okay. I'm not stressed out about it. I'm not frustrated. The little potty is put away and I just purchased the biggest box of size 5 diapers from Costco. I'm fully committed to allowing him to lead the process. We both will know when he is ready and that is when the process will begin. It feels like maybe I've found my confidence in motherhood again. Maybe.
Because no man ever got married with a pacifier in his mouth and no man will ever get married wearing diapers.... I mean unless they are... well, you get what I'm saying!
