Please and Thank You goes a long way when you have kids. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a teacher or a babysitter or grandparent telling you that your children weren’t well behaved, but just in case you haven’t, I’ll tell you, nothing makes you want to whip them into shape faster. (And I use the word whip loosely.)
With our first two kids, who are now 12 and 11, I worked really hard on teaching them manners. I probably worked too hard! However, they are very respectful and we constantly get compliments on them for their overall behavior. We do still have to give them reminders though because kids will be kids and teens will be teens.
This time around with Hollis I am using the same approach, but with a little more grace in the discipline part. One day I’ll write a blog about how GRACE in parenting is a highly effective tool, but for this post I’ll just share I’ve learned through the years that discipline isn’t always the best method especially when teaching your children necessary life habits.
YOU USE YOUR MANNERS.
Children learn best by example. If you want them to say Please and Thank You, you say it to them and others! They need to hear you and see you using the respect you are expecting from them. This is the easiest way to get them to learn without really even doing too much teaching. This also works well with toddlers who are learning to speak.
SUBTLE REMINDERS.
Kids are kids, they are demanding. They are forgetful. A gentle remind of saying “How do we ask nicely?” prompts them to say “please” or saying “Can you tell Mommy thank you?” leads them to say “thank you.” When I ask Hollis a question, for example “Hollis, can you put your toys away? Yes, ma’am?” will prompt him to say “yes, ma’am.” You don’t have to be demanding of them, just simple reminders of what you expect.
What if my kids are older? My older kids understand we always expect ma’ams and sirs, but they still need reminders. If I ask them a question and they just say “yes” I will usually say “can I get a ma’am, please?” and they will respond with a “yes, ma’am.” If you are just now teaching your older kids manners, I would probably treat them just as you would a toddler, but maybe a bit more expectation since they have the understand of what you are saying.
CONSISTENCY.
When I think of consistency, my mind always goes back to 2nd grade Grammar class and each day my teacher made us recite our prepositions. To this day, I can still recite each and every one. Consistency works, but it also takes time and you have to be committed to those reminders and expectations each and every single time. It isn’t always fun or easy at first, but eventually it will become second nature for them.
What if they just don’t say it? I get this all the time from my 2 year old. He’s 2. If he doesn’t want to do something, I can’t make him do it. Your goal with teaching manners is to make it something that comes naturally to them, not something they do because they will be getting punished for if they don’t. If I ask Hollis to say “please” and he doesn’t, I will ask him again “Hollis can you say, please?” If he still refuses to say it (fit free), I will then say “Please, Mommy can I have a cookie? Yes, Hollis you may have a cookie! Thank you for saying please, Hollis!” I recite it as if he and I just had the exact conversation I was wanting. I give him the cookie and will try again the next time. If Hollis pitches a fit because I’ve asked him to say please, I normally then put the cookie down, turn around and walk away. In both instances if I put too much pressure on myself to discipline him because he didn’t give me exactly what I was looking for, I find that I get discouraged and he gets mad and we end up losing any progress we made. Remember they won’t learn overnight, or honestly even by the time they are 3.
CALM DOWN.
Manners aren’t life and death. They are important, but it takes time. If you take one single piece of advice from this blog it is if you lead with love in guiding your children you will 100% make more of an impact on them than if you make them feel awful each time they forget. Speak to them the way you want to be spoken to, react to them in a way that shows love, and show grace as they are learning and growing into little human beings.
